Depression-Yet again

2^nd Feb Evening

His left hand was holding my collar tight; the right was curled into a fist ready to punch at the slightest provocation. I had been cornered against the wall by his powerful frame. His eyes were more bloodshot than what I had seen even in a movie. His voice was filled with rage but I could feel the broken soul through his eyes.

‘This is my flat Ravish, get out of here.’ He shouted at my face as I felt his wrist smash into my upper jaw.

Never had I been in a situation where I wasn't supposed to retaliate and instead soak in all the anger being thrown at me.

‘We are room partners Rohan, just calm yourself down.’ I tried to reason with him in the simplest way possible.

‘Do you want me to bring the knife and slash your throat?’

‘No.’ I said with a lump in my throat. Looking at his rage filled eyes and voice I knew he meant it. He was out of his senses and could do anything his dysfunctional brain asked him to.

‘I will leave.’ I said as lightly as I could and moved my body towards the door. I was not expecting his grip to loosen up but surprisingly it did. I cast a glance at him for a second and opened the door to exit the room. His eyes looked at me as if he held a life-long grudge against me. It felt like someone wanted to hurt me real bad to extract revenge and somehow had let me go unscathed. I breathed a sigh of relief but I could feel the uneasiness in my friend. He began walking up and down the length of the apartment muttering something to himself while I tried to decide my further course of action standing outside the door.

Two of his friends, one colleague and his brother who had taken an emergency flight from his hometown were also standing outside the door near the staircase not able to come to terms with the situation. One of his friends had already called up a hospital and they were on their way. None of us was sure if Rohan had to be taken to a doctor or what was to be done so everyone was going by their gut and suggesting different plans of action. It was confusion all around and the stress of having to see a confident young man act so haphazardly all of a sudden. Although I knew in my heart that the whole episode did not happen all of a sudden and the seeds were sown in the past few days.

29^th January

I had been woken up by Rohan at 5 am in the morning.

‘Hey man, get up. I want to ask you something important.’ He had said loud.

I tried to open my eyes but found it really tough to understand why I have to wake up at an odd hour like this.

‘What is it?’ I asked irritated.

‘It's really important. I need your complete attention. Get up for a few minutes.’

‘Ok. Tell me now.’ I got up rubbing my eyes.

‘I think I am in depression. My mental state is not doing well these days.’ He said to my utter disbelief.

‘Why do you say so? What's ailing you?’

‘Everything around me seems sad to me. I don't get to talk to you or the other people here when I am home. I don't feel good watching television or any movies. Anshu rejected my proposal, my parents are calling me home and I don't feel like going.’

‘Hold on. These are too many things. Tell me one by one.’

‘When did you propose to Anshu? This is by far the most important of all the things.’ I asked with a lot of interest.

‘Last week.’

‘And why did she say no.’

‘Because she feels our friendship will get affected.’

‘God damn, these women and their perception of friend zoning. If you are serious about her, don't let her go. Be there for her.’ I tried to be as reasonable as possible considering the situation was a little tough for me to give an advice.

‘I am trying to but I feel hurt inside.’

‘Try to breathe a little. You will surely feel better. I use that technique all the time.’

‘Ok.’ He said trying to breathe a little deep visibly frustrated at my lack of intellect in giving him a feasible solution.

‘And yes I agree we don't get to talk much while we are here. I believe it's due to our timings.’ I tried to prolong the conversation to understand what was going through his mind.

‘Hmm, I know and I feel lonely when you guys are not here.’

‘I can understand buddy. But remember we are always there for you.’

‘What about the parents asking you to come home? What's wrong in going home? It will be a mental change of sorts for you.’ I tried to bring sense in his confused mind.

‘I don't feel like going there. They are going to pester me for getting married or about finding a better job.’

‘They are your parents. You need to understand they are going to be like this. It's you who has to listen to them.’

‘I don't want to compromise all my life and listen to all the shit around.’

‘That's what life's all about.’ I replied.

‘I know.  But it's getting tough to hold on to this definition of life for me.’

‘You are a tough bloke. You should not lose hope so soon and so suddenly. I trust you completely.’ I said with a confident tone trying to instill some positivity in him.

‘I am contemplating doing some adventurous things now.’ He said with a smile. The smile was a forced one, I could sense.

‘It will be allright dude. Don't take so much stress in life that too so early in the morning.’ I said trying to soothe his nerves.

‘Thanks, brother. You are being a savior in these tiring times.’

‘The tiring times bring out the best or the worst in you.  It's you who has to decide the course of action which in turn will get you to your destination.’

‘Should I sleep back now?’ I asked with a smile.

‘Oh yes. Please. I will meanwhile freshen up. Have to go office early.’

I didn't know but Rohan had already taken a shower three times that night. This was the fourth time and he was singing songs while in the shower. I listened for a few seconds before going back to sleep.

1st Feb evening-

‘Hey Ravish. How are you?’ I was greeted by a smiling Rohan as soon as I entered the flat that evening after getting back from work.

It had been two days since I had that early morning discussion and Rohan seemed a lot better as compared to that morning. In the last two days, we had spoken at a length about politics, sports and other things. Not even once did I feel pangs of depression in him or maybe he had been hiding it too well.

‘Hey man. I am doing fine. How about you? Back so soon from work?’ I replied with a big smile.

‘Oh yes. I had to get high.’

‘Really? You don't look high. You look pretty relaxed.’

‘It's the high which makes me relaxed. Don’t you know?’

‘Oh yes, that could be. Whom did you get high with?’ I asked trying to sustain the conversation.

‘A colleague had come over. He was feeling the pangs as well.’

‘That's great man. Finally there is some fun and grass around in the air. ‘

‘Oh yes, plus I am going home in the morning. My parents have booked my flight.’

‘Nice, that’s a good decision. If you want my help in packing let me know.’

‘Sure.’ He said and went to his room and I got busy with having my dinner.

Later that night, Rohan took yet another shower and went out to party with some of his colleagues. I was beginning to get worried for he had a flight to catch the next morning Then again, he happened to be an independent well thought out human being who always knew what he was getting into. He came back late in the night and did create a temporary ruckus around which I imagined was him packing his stuff for the flight.

2^nd Feb, 6 am

The blanket I had covered my body with was forcibly taken off in a singular moment of brute force and madness.

'Holy shit.' I said as I woke up with a start and saw Rohan standing with a smile on his face. 

'I am leaving for home Ravish, won’t you drop me to the airport.'

'Oh, sorry. Why didn’t you wake me up earlier? What time is your flight?'

'It’s in two hours.' He said.

'Ok, let me get ready. Book the cab till then and we will drop you.' I went in the other room to wake my roommate and asked him to accompany me to the airport. Going to the airport so early in the morning and coming back alone seemed like a boring preposition. 

Both of us got ready and hopped in the cab along with Rohan. The early morning breeze was hitting our sleepy eyes and calming our numb brains. The ride to the airport felt too smooth with hardly any traffic present but it was interrupted when out of nowhere Rohan had an urge to have some tea and a smoke.

'Guys, can we take a small break here? We are not expecting any traffic so let me have a smoke before I reach the airport.' He asked us very affectionately.

Reluctantly we got down from the cab when we found the nearest tea stall. The airport was still twenty minutes away and we were confident that the tea break won’t have any effect. Little did we know that the tea break would bring one of the biggest surprises of the day?

We had almost finished the tea and I went to pay the stall owner while Ajay, the other roommate was talking to the cab driver. Rohan, who had been standing nearby smoking, was nowhere to be seen. We tried to locate him around the cab but did not find him. 

Suddenly the cab driver shouted pointing in the opposite direction of the road, ‘he is running sir, look that side’

Both I and Ajay started running but Rohan already had got a head start and he disappeared within the next fifteen seconds. The congested lanes and by lanes were going to be impossible to search a man who according to me was going without any direction. We were left with no choice but to call Rohan’s as well as our friends to find his whereabouts plus to get in touch with his family members. If his behavior for the last some days was erratic and warranted attention the whole episode of running away scared us to bits.

'Let’s go home.' I called out to Ajay as we hailed a cab and went back to our flat. Our phones never stopped ringing.

'It’s going to be a fucked up day.'Ajay said looking out of the window.

'Be assured of that.' I said. The back waters of the sea looked far more serene than the episode ringing in our brains.

We reached near our home and before even thinking of going back inside we went and had piping hot tea from our favourite vendor and a few smokes to calm our nerves. The phones were not answered during this time for the brain was so entangled in the thoughts that we could not think straight.

2^nd Feb Evening Continued.

As we all were standing outside fearing Rohan might harm himself being alone inside the flat his best friend Ashu made up his mind and went to ring the door-bell. With the calmest possible voice he convinced Rohan to let him inside but the joy was short lived. Two minutes had passed since Ashu had entered and all of us were still wondering if things were under control, we heard a commotion from inside.

‘Get the fuck away from me.’ Rohan shouted at the pitch of his voice and came rushing out of the main door.

All of us were standing in his way but he was not willing to relent as he pushed his way through all of us and ran down the stairs. A friend was kicked and another was punched hard while all of us were hit by a shock wave. This was the second time in the day that I saw this man running away like a maniac and I did not know how to react. His friends and his brother ran after him in the hope that someone outside the society might be able to catch him. Not sure how but the lady luck smiled at that moment as the hospital ambulance entered the premises and Rohan’s friends called out to the ambulance staff for catching hold of him.

Many kicks, punches and bites later as he was finally taken to a hospital and administered medicines of sleep by the doctors were we finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. The next day, being his roomies we were called by the doctor for investigation and we were told that a chemical called dopamine had increased beyond permissible limits in his brain leading to this situation.

We visited the hospital for some days but till then his family members had arrived and they began to take good care of his health. The jovial, funny Rohan was put on anti-depressants and some more medicines for the next few weeks as we started to lose touch with him being busy with our own lives. Some of us lost a friend while some of us learnt a lesson about a disease that probably ails millions across the world and became friendlier towards him.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

P.S – Rohan is back to his jovial self even though those few days of that February remain etched in his and our minds forever.

Depression- Short Story

The room was dark; a small bulb was throwing light at the mirror. My heart was feeling more forlorn than the darkness in the room.

I clutched the Swiss knife tight in my right hand while my left played with my wavy hair. I could see my silhouette in the mirror, depression clearly visible on the face, hopelessness all over the eyes and a broken soul underneath.

My once upon a time bouncy hair had lost all its luster. It felt like a sack of rotten stuff when my fingers went through it.

Papers were lying everywhere. Everything that I had ever written or read, it was all on the bed and the floor. Everything that I once stood for, that I once believed in, it all lay in front of my eyes battered without any takers.

I felt like a soldier who had lost his war without suffering a single injury but having lost his spirit to fight.

The Swiss knife had been my companion since the last three days while my mind couldn't come to a decision of whether to end my life right here where it all began or to give it one last shot.

‘Do you still have it in you?’ A screeching voice came out of somewhere.

‘I don't know.’ I replied, not knowing who it was that I was talking to. It felt like someone was standing inside the mirror and looking at me with all their attention. I was being scrutinized and not for the last time all I managed was making excuses.

‘That doesn't answer the question.’ The voice got scarier.

‘I have no idea, who I am talking to.’

‘Are you serious? You don't recognize your worst nightmare.’ The voice appeared to come nearer with each passing moment making my heart pound.

‘I don't understand. I hardly get dreams leave alone nightmares. I was nervous and afraid. ‘

‘You have been ignoring me for a long time, not anymore.’ The voice was sending my brain into realms of darkness I had never dared into.

‘You mean I have been making my mind believe in illusions that everything is all right in my life?’

‘Looks like you are getting a feel of where I am headed to.’

‘But how do you know anything about me. What is this?’ I was in a state of shock, my mind was numb and the thought process devoid of clarity. I felt like I am on a drug induced high.

‘This mister writer is the reality you have been running from all your life. The reality that exists but is seldom experienced. The reality that is the true driving force of life and shows the only direction that one is meant to go in.’ The voice got heavy and intense.

‘Then where were you all these years while I toiled to find the path of my life?’ I wanted to cry as I began to feel miserable.

‘I was right here looking at you, observing you from close quarters, looking at you make one worse decision after another. Looking at you not daring to work towards making any decisions correct even when you knew it's all going downhill.’

‘So why are you here today after all these times of observing?’

‘To help you, now that you are on the verge of going towards doom much quicker than what I expected.’

A shiver went down my spine.

‘All my life I had believed I had the perfect formula not knowing that I never had the guts to call a spade a spade.’ I said.

‘By the end of the day, I am sure you will be on the correct path for life as well as for many other things.’

‘But who decides the correct path. Is it you or is it done by God?’

‘It's your destiny.’

‘But destiny can always be molded. Isn't it meant to be like that?’

‘Yes, but you have to be brave enough to do that. You don't have to leave everything in the hands of God when things are not going according to you.’

‘Is that what I have been doing according to you?’ I asked with a lump in my throat.

‘Yes, Precisely. You have been afraid. That's all.’

‘Weren't the circumstances such that I was forced to be afraid?’

‘Just like destiny, the moments can be changed as per your wishes. You just have to keep your senses open and not let your spirit being bogged down by the enormity of the things around you.’

‘It's easier said than done.’ I replied being fully convinced of being a failure in this life or the next.

‘I understand, but if you don't try or put your heart in things they never work out, just like it never worked for you.’

‘But I tried. Didn’t I? You were watching right.’

‘Yes, you did. But you lost your heart and will quickly every time. You were never patient enough to wait.’

‘Everyone wants quick success. Don't they?’

‘Success is just an illusion. It's your happiness that counts.’

‘Money and fame would have made me happier than what I am today.’

‘Would it have given you the satisfaction that you wrote something that affected people for real?’

‘I am not sure.’

‘Look for satisfaction and not for success. Success is not fame it's a state of mind.’

‘The state of my mind can be clearly seen as of now. Isn't it?’

‘You are suicidal, I can see.’ The voice was changing its tone to soft whenever I was trying to be dominant in the conversation or totally hopeless.

‘I feel worse. I feel I am already dead. The only thing left is the tradition of my last rights.’

‘So soon? Don't you think there still some life left in this young but battered body?’ The voice replied empathetically trying to find the last ray of hope in the setting sun of my life.

‘The body might look young but my soul is old, very old. In fact, I feel I have lost all my charm, all my soul.’

‘Why don't you start afresh?’

‘For what?’

‘For regaining your youth, the freshness and the soul. For unlearning everything you know and beginning from scratch. For regaining all those things that you lost in this life. To feel charming again and for making people listen to a new-found you.’

‘Isn't it too much hard-work after what all I have put into this life and failed all the time?’

‘You are not tired, you are afraid of failing again. I can see it in your eyes.’

‘You can see through everything. Why don't you give me the winning formula and I will try that.’

‘What if the formula involves you working harder than you have done previously at any point in your life?’

‘I will try whatever you tell me.’

‘Wake up from the sleep and realize that everything you heard or spoke right now was a dream. After that start doing what you have been from the last some time without any expectations. The Zen of a monk will find you and that my dear is the key to finding happiness.’ The voice faded away with these words and I was jolted out of sleep by a sudden crash of the window pane of my room. The storm outside had started to take its toll on the surroundings and I could feel the storm inside me letting go of the emotions it had wrapped around itself. I was free in my mind and my soul felt a little lighter.

Finding Love: After a few swipes

‘What on earth has happened to you?’  Sherry asked vociferously looking straight into my eyes.

‘Nothing as such, why do you seem surprised?’ I replied with a calm voice and a composed mind.

‘You have changed a lot Rhea. All your jovial self, your happy face, your enthusiastic voice, where has all that disappeared?’

‘I don’t know. I hardly think about myself nowadays. I am more than keen on making my work take up all the time of my day.’

‘What about the nights? Don’t you think you should find someone to love? I know Danny gave you a lesson for life but that does not mean you won’t find love again.’

‘I have been using dating apps for quite some time now. You can check my phone if you want to. ‘

‘I know that darling. But what are you doing about it?’

‘About what?’ I replied confused.

‘About your desires.’ Sherry replied with a smile.

‘I don’t have any. I feel like a monk. I hardly find time to think about anything apart from work, food and sleeping.’

‘I think you are still thinking that using these dating apps is a taboo considering the society we live in.’

‘No, I don’t believe in that. I am ready to meet someone who I can connect with. I am even willing to get married to someone from these apps. It’s just that someone special hasn’t come along.’

‘What about the guys at work?’

‘There is hardly any. Plus I would like to keep my professional and personal lives separate.’ Sherry was beginning to sound intrusive and I was getting a little irritated at the barrage of questions.

Okay, if you say so.

‘So what’s happening in your love life?’ I asked with curiosity.

‘Same old story with me, I like people who never end up liking me and vice versa.’

‘Ouch, that’s not good for health. I have been through such a period myself.’  I replied empathetically

Yes, I know. It hurts.

You should use these dating apps and maybe find someone who has same interests as you. It might help in forging a connection.

I don’t think I am made up for filtering through so many options. I would better stick to the old school thing. Let’s see if I get lucky. I still have age at my side, I guess.

Oh wow. So you are trying to make me feel old? I replied.

Shut up sweetheart, I meant nothing of that sort.

‘No, no. Say it on my face. I want to know how you feel of me.’ I tried to pull her leg by faking anger even though I knew she could see through me.

‘Fuck off you fool. I love you and you know it.’ She said with a puppy face and those glittery eyes that always attracted me towards her.

I know baby. Let’s go out and have a smoke. I am craving.

She went towards the door and held it open. ‘After you, my highness.’  She said playfully.

Sherry and me had been living in adjacent rooms at the hostel for more than a year now. We had forged a bond of sister love and made many good memories together. Most of my girl night outs happened with her and I had her by my side whenever I used to get drunk. She had been my go to girl all through this one year of hell and back. Over this year of trying to remove Danny from my thoughts and my heart, I had tried the so called dating apps. I had met a few men but none came close to touching any chords in my heart. Maybe I always compared them to Danny for he seemed to be the perfect man till destiny had other thoughts for us.

‘You should ask your parents to find a suitable man for you and get married.’ Sherry said teasingly, while we were standing outside puffing on our respective cancer sticks.

‘I don’t think so. I would rather find my man myself instead of testing the waters of the arranged marriage scenario.’

‘Going by this rate, you will remain single all your life. Plus you won’t be getting any sex as well. I can’t even imagine such a situation for anyone.’

‘It’s okay. One shouldn’t care too much about being asexual. And why are you all of a sudden interested in my sex life. Yours is also non-existent.’ I replied cheekily.

‘I have age on my side honey. Your case is a little different.’ She didn’t want to let go off this banter.

‘Oh God, the age jibes again. I am going to burn you now. And instead of me it is you who needs to make love.’ I said with a grin. 

My phone in my hand vibrated a few times signalling some texts. I refrained from checking it till we finished our humorous banter and cigarettes. On our way back to the hostel, I unlocked the phone to check.

Do you want to meet up for coffee tomorrow? A text with a smiling emoticon flashed through the notifications on my phone bringing an instant smile on my face.

Sherry standing right next to me read the contact name on the phone and exclaimed, ‘Guy Next Door, Looks like there is a chance of bringing some color in this monotonous life.’

The blush and the smile forgot to leave me for the next few minutes making me wonder if love had found its way back to my heart through just one sweet text.

Will the monk finally get to kiss? I thought to myself and went to my room. I had to be ready for a date tomorrow.

Love: Just a Swipe Away

I observed him carefully as he walked to the door. I knew that time was running out but suppressed the urge to check my watch. I took a deep breath and started counting in reverse under my breath. "Ten, nine, eight, seven.

Till a year back I had thought that meeting a stranger, whom you had befriended online was the most risky thing I had ever done, little did I know that the stranger would one day change my perspective towards life and risks.

This one stranger who moved my heart in a matter of minutes, who went on to become the man I craved for from being just a stranger in a matter of days and the one who made me go crazy even when I knew he wasn’t worth it. After having become friends on a dating app in the world where hooking up and falling in love at the hit of a button on the phone screen is considered the only option fit for youngsters, we finally decided to meet. We had chosen afternoon as the time and a cafe bustling with people, I was petrified, this being the first time I was meeting someone through an app.

'Hey Rhea,' he said with a huge smile after finding me standing near the entrance.

'Hi Danny. How are you?' I replied.

'I am fine. How about you?'

'I am doing well, thanks.'

'Let’s go in,' he said extending his left arm signalling me to lead the way. In those few seconds he and his twinkling eyes had shooed away all my fear.  His face gave a look so genuine I had hardly seen something like that in the people I met daily at my workplace.

'Please,' he gestured for me to have a seat, pulling the chair out. I almost said wow but stopped myself somehow. I looked at him for a few good seconds till managed to come out of the stupor the chivalry had just caused.

'Thanks.' I muttered.

'You are welcome,' he replied in the most melodious voice, I had ever heard.

'Is he even real?' I pinched myself.

'You seem somewhere else. Are you fine?' He asked

'Oh yes, I get distracted sometimes.'

'Not an issue. I will try to hold your attention.'

For the next few hours as I finally let go of my inhibitions of meeting an unknown entity and realized that it felt a lot different to meet someone who can talk his heart out to you. He not only held my attention, he made me listen, made me speak a lot more than I ever did with any guy and most importantly he made me laugh, cracking jokes at himself. It was his first time as well meeting someone through a dating app and he had been nervous as hell. We discussed about our professional lives and the monotonous lifestyles, while laughing it out about our love lives. It did not exist for both of us. In those few hours of talking I felt that we fit in perfectly like a puzzle.

'If you are free the next weekend, we could hang out. What do you think?'

'I will have to think about it. I don’t think we should rush,' I replied. It wasn't love at first sight but I wanted this to be a whirlwind romance with a fairy tale ending. I was interested but didn’t want to show it to him. Who doesn't like making a man chasing you?

'Sure, let me walk you back to the metro.'

'Thanks. You are really sweet.' I smiled. It had been an evening of smiles for me. Had I found the man I always dream of? I wondered.

We spoke on phone every day for the whole week. I got to know that he had fought all odds at his home to struggle and make a life for himself in Delhi. He had fought with his parents who wanted him to handle the family business while he wanted to help people and make a name for himself. He had done his MBA from a good college and was working in the hospitality segment in a firm. I felt he was totally like me, fighting against the odds, struggling in the life, lonely yet full of dreams. We met many times in the next one month and fell for each other. His charming ways swept me off my feet. I did not see it coming but his words and the way he looked at me hit me somewhere in the corner of the heart. I knew I was vulnerable but I let out my deepest secrets to him and he did the same.

After almost two months of knowing and hanging out with him, I asked him to come over to my place. He came over with a bottle of wine and we had a great time. The first time we kissed it felt eternal and I was left flabbergasted at how good a kiss could be. I had kissed before but none left me as numb as this one. Over the period of next few months we felt deeper in love and ecstasy and made passionate love. Even though I wanted more and more of his love his work commitments always played a hindrance. I had already started dreaming about the future with him as we progressed further in love.

'Can I shift to your place?' He asked me all of a sudden one day while talking on phone. He had gone for an outstation visit for work. It had been three months of us together.

'What happened Danny?'

'There has been some issue at my rented apartment and I need a place to stay. The roommates have shifted today and I somehow convinced the land lord to let my stuff be there till I return.' He sounded distressed.

'Okay, no issues. You can come over. We will search together for a new place for you.'

For five months, we stayed together. I fell more and more in love while he showered me with all the care and love in the world. For some reason he had quit his job and was searching for a job as well. Whatever I earned was spent for both of us as he was struggling to make the ends meet. I was getting frustrated at all this responsibility but the heart wants what it wants.

I felt that if he can get himself a job my life would be all settled and done for good till one fine day a small incident brought me back to reality. In a space of two weeks some currency and some of my precious ornaments went missing from my place. I searched for them everywhere but to no avail. I didn’t even think that Danny could be the one for I was madly in love with him. A week later, one evening while I returned back from work I saw a note on my bed. It was from Danny. It said, "Leaving for hometown due to an urgent family matter, see you soon. Love!"

I tried calling him but his phone wasn’t reachable. I felt a little let down but all hell broke loose an hour later when the society watchman came along with a few policemen to search my place. They had an arrest warrant against Danny for a case of cheating. I didn’t know how to react. He had siphoned off two lakh rupees from the society manager. I cooperated with them and told them everything that I knew about him. They got on my nerves when they hinted that my family would be involved but somehow I managed to douse that fire. They were not able to trace him but I was entrusted with a task to tip them off whenever he contacted me. I tried to reach the bottom of the case with the help of the policemen but all I got was conflicting answers about him being a history sheeter.

A month passed by without any hint of this man I had been in love with. Multiple calls and texts went unanswered. Love, betrayal, treachery and the ocean of lies all came in front of my eyes when he called me from some unknown number telling me that he will be at my place in an hour. I literally forced my hands to tip off the police. I knew I loved this man but I also knew that it was my life that will be ruined if I didn’t tell them. Two hours later he was arrested from my place. For a month I had cried softly as I missed him but that day I was inconsolable. I wailed, scratched and cut myself. My whole life had been torn apart.

Two months later I gathered courage to go and see him at the jail. I still felt the void without him in my life but I had been told by the policemen about a lot of things that I wanted to hear from him for my heart to actually believe. I saw him through the glass door coming towards the meeting hall.

I could see him clearly as he walked with his eyes towards the floor.

He walked slower than what I had even seen him walk. His face was pale, his shoulders dropping with each step, his eyes moist and his confidence shaken.

He sat in the chair in front of me and did not even meet my eyes. He held my hands softly as if it was the last time he was feeling the touch and began to sob. I had been composed all this while waiting for him but could not control my emotions any longer. More than the hurt and the adversities he had caused for me, I felt broke because I felt his whole persona had come crashing down to ground. I felt his soul had been torn apart being among the other convicts.

'Please get me out of here. I am dying every day.' He wailed holding my hands close to his face.

'Did you do what they have caught you for?' I asked with a straight face.

'Yes.'

'Why?'

'I couldn’t help it.'

'What do you mean? You are an MBA and you couldn’t resist cheating a poor man of his money.' I was trying to hold my emotions in check and being as kind as possible. He struggled to lift his head up and looked right in my eyes. I felt he was going to shake the roots of my belief in him.

'I am not a MBA. It’s all a lie. Whatever I told you was a lie. But my love for you was real and pure. It still is, I want you to be with me forever Rhea.'

'What do you mean? What are you then?' My innocence did not let me understand his words.

'I am a drop out who makes his living by cheating people. But I did not cheat you, I promise with my head.'
'Shut up.' I cut him off. My temper had been snapped badly.

'You mean everything you told me about you, your background, and your family was a lie.

Was it you who had stolen the cash from my wardrobe and also those bangles, the ones my mother had gifted me?' My eyes went red with anger. He did not reply, he couldn’t see me in the eyes.

'Reply something, god dammit.'

''es,' he said with a lump in his throat.

'I stole your stuff; I stole from a lot of people. I am addicted to stealing things. But Rhea I am not a bad person. I still care for you and I need you.' He was teary eyed again as he said.

'Is Danny your real name?'

'No,' he replied. I slowly withdrew my hands from his, looked at the people sitting on my right. My bubble of innocence and self-composure was about to shatter. I wanted to run away and cry my heart out. I didn’t speak a word for a few seconds and he continued to look at me with dreamy eyes. The same eyes that had made me fall for him in the first place. From the corner of my eye I could see hopelessness on him but I did not want to relent this time.

'Please talk to me,' he pleaded.

'I came here to know the truth. All this time my heart did not let me believe anything they said about you. I had even called a lawyer two days back to help you get out of here but I am not going in that direction again.' I replied and slowly started to get up from the chair.

'Please Rhea, my life will be destroyed.' He wailed.

'What about my life Danny? What about me? What about my emotions? What about my frail vulnerabilities that you crushed with all your might?'

'Please. I still love you. My love for you was pure, trust me.' He tried to hold on to my hand.

'Trust you? Are you serious? With what all you have done and told me in the past one year and one fine day you tell me that all of that was a blatant lie, you tell me to trust you. The man I knew, the man I fell in love with, the man I let in my house, in my heart, in my pants and my soul is not the one I am talking to right now. You are not the same man. You aren’t even Danny. I am sorry. I can’t do anything for you. Not anymore.'

'You mean the world to me. He cried with hands folded.'

'You meant the universe to me till you shattered my belief in love and trust. I opened my heart to you and all you opened was your pants and a shit full of lies and garbage. I don’t want to see your filthy face again, lest you try to convince me with some other lie. I am done forever.'

I could not control my emotions anymore as I started crying and rushed out of the hall. I could hear him shouting and pleading as I closed the door behind me and set foot outside. The chill around the jail campus hit me hard as I tried to walk a few steps towards the exit. My legs could not take it anymore and I went down on the knees and held my face in my palms and wailed. I felt my world had come crashing down.

A few minutes later when I noticed the people in the jail campus looking at me awkwardly, I quickly gathered myself up and hurriedly walked out of the main gate. I took a deep breath and did not even look back once. I knew it was up to me to take control of my life. I also knew that turning to alcohol would ruin my health and my mind, so I turned to the most positive yet the worst thing that one can turn to in those times.

Upon reaching back home, I reinstalled the dating apps and began swiping again. I hope, Love is just a swipe away.

Mohabbat ya Ibadat

Kya aaj fir mohabbat rang laayegi,
chuukar un labon ko muskurahat sii aayegi.
Un aakhon mai hai mastiyan,
unki baato mai hai kashish,
sunke wo khayal aaj toh deewangii si chaayegi,
kya aaj fir mohabbat rang laayegi.

wo lamhe , wo pal guzar gaye hain kyu,
unki ibadatt mai junoon ki lehar daud jaaegi.
unke jaane ka hai khauf,
wapis aane ka hai intezaar
ruki hui dhadhkane fir se toofan dikh laayengi
kya aaj fir mohabbat rang laayegi..

Love Jihad - Short Story

Syed and Gayatri didn't mean to fall in love. But love happens when you least expect it. It creeps up suddenly, when someone needs attention, care, conversation, laughter and maybe even intimacy. Love doesn't look at logic, or at backgrounds and least of all, religion.

Gayatri was from a very conservative South Indian family that went to a temple every Saturday. Syed bought goats for his family every Eid. That said it all. Their paths would never have crossed if it hadn't been for that fateful day. That day when he walked into the coffee shop. Gayatri wondered if destiny chose our loved ones for us. Did we have any role to play at all?

She looked at her watch. Syed was late. They met every Thursday at five pm to catch up. Their conversation lasted for hours. Sometimes at the cafe, sometimes in his car, sometimes in places that she could never tell her friends about. They would never understand. And yet Syed made her happy.

Suddenly her phone beeped. He had sent a message. "On my way. Have something important to tell you."

Gayatri stared at it and realised she had knots in her stomach. Thoughts flooded her mind. What did he want to tell her?

Trying to calm herself down, she did let her brain to take her down the memory lane to the first time their eyes had met. Whenever she felt nervous, depressed or a trifle let down by life she had made it a point to remember that one day, for it made her heart feel the pangs of joy every time. She had been sipping coffee in the same café waiting for a colleague who was to provide her an important piece related to the article she was doing and her eyes fell on the man just walking in. That charming smile, the perfectly placed muffler, the confidence in the gait and the rugged manly looks; he had cast a stupor on her curios mind.

I caught you staring at me, Miss Indian Press. He had a coffee in his hand and was muttering under his breath, low enough to not alert the other people sitting around and loud enough to bring Gayatri out of her thoughts. Gayatri had an ID card of an Indian New Channel around her neck which pretty much gave her identity away.

I’m sorry. Did I stare at you? I think you are mistaken. She quickly sat up straight, adjusted her clothes a bit and gave him a totally nonchalant reaction.

These eyes can spot and shoot a man at a mile with deadly precision. How can they miss this charming woman looking through my soul?

Shoot a man at a mile. Are you a special sniper or a trained mercenary?

Whatever you feel like imagining.

Just one line left her so intrigued and flabbergasted that she very quickly forgot the main motive of being in that café and a conversation followed. The rugged guy with eagle eyes and the pretty woman with a curiosity laden voice and questions got along like a tea pot on fire. Her colleague did not show until a good half an hour had passed and she had been very well introduced to the enigma named Syed. The enigma who over the course of next few weeks would take her to treks that she had only imagined in her dreams, who would help her in her quest of being a successful war time journalist at the same time a philanthropist,

Mam, your coffee is here. The words of the server brought her back to the present. She had a quivering smile on her lips as she thanked the server. Being a regular to the café the manager knew how she liked her coffee and had it perfectly brewed as per her taste.

It tastes great, just like every time. She thanked the server politely and he went his way.

Why does the mind always go back to the first meeting with Syed when they have made many better memories ever since? She thought to herself but let it pass with the piping hot coffee numbing her brain for some moments. It had been two months of a whirlwind and emotional connection with him and it showed no sign of waning. She prayed it never ends, she loved it that way. The sense of unpredictability, vulnerability and awesomeness combined at the same time.

Syed had a weird look on him as he entered the café. Gayatri felt as if he was trying to force a smile to hide something. The smile vanished from Gayatri’s face and anxiousness took over.

Hey, is everything all right? She asked him.

Yes, everything is fine. Have a seat. Why do you look worried?

See yourself in the mirror right now and you shall get an answer. I am tensed because you look real worried about something. Spill it out.

Not here. We need to go somewhere quiet.

Where would you find any place quieter than this?

I have a place in mind. Syed was being quick in his replies. Gayatri felt something tugging at her brain cells asking her to not leave this place. But then, the heart wants what the heart wants. She could never say no to him having already lost her heart to his charming ways.

They got in his car and they crossed all the familiar places where they used to spend time with each other. The bridge near the river passed by and Gayatri’s heart began pounding fast.

Where are we going? She thought to herself.

Syed wasn’t that keen on talking as he concentrated on the road allowing Gayatri the chance to observe the roads they were going through. The car screeched through a narrow lane and a few familiar houses passed her vision.

Why are we going through this place again? Have you lost the way?

No, I am just making sure no one is following us.

Following? What the hell is the matter? I thought there is enough peace here to not disturb the privacy of two individuals.

My cover has been blown. I am being followed everywhere.

This is not possible. Who can do that?

Our own people, they don’t keep a fish in water for too many months. They just pluck it out and throw it away.

Did you notice a man sitting near the manager at the coffee shop all the time that you were there. He must not have let you get out of his sight.

No, I did not pay attention. Moreover you are the one being followed. Why would anyone follow me?

Syed gave a discomforted look. Gayatri stared at his eyes and recollected a conversation they had during the initial days of knowing each other. He had mentioned the ever present danger of being seen with him for he spied on the Anti-Indian movement in Srinagar and the other parts in the valley. She had been overwhelmed by the fact that a man in Srinagar could risk his own life to spy on the fundamentalists, who were his own people just because he did not want Kashmir to cease being a part of India. It was all beginning to make sense now.

What are you thinking? Syed asked concerned that Gayatri had stopped talking for a few seconds.

I think I realize the danger we are in. What do we do now?

We go to a secret place. We lay low for a few days and then you can continue doing what you have been.

What about you?

I will disappear. Syed said with an emotionless face and Gayatri’s eyes swelled up.

Isn’t that so easy to say for you? What about me? What about my love for you? What about us? She was crying loud as Syed tried to hold onto his emotions while looking around the road for any followers as well.

Disappear with me then. Can you? Syed sounded cold. It seemed he had lost all his emotions in a single day.

Are you mad? What will happen to my family back there in my town? Think about them.

Do you know what will happen to my family here if we get caught?

No. She sounded scared.

They will be massacred with the label of traitors. I don’t want that to happen to you. I love you.

I love you too. Gayatri smiled for the first time since having met him today. She started to think about them meeting during the last few days. She was trying hard to understand if there had been clear signs that she had missed. Was it just the agony of this one day that was making him behave like that or had it been coming due to some other events as well.

Syed drove through a down slope road and turned right into an alley. He brought the car to a halt a few blocks later. Can you walk?

Yes, off course. Anything for you!

They took off from the car and entered the lanes of downtown Srinagar. The lanes famous for the fundamentalists and the slogan shouting population seemed so quite at this time of the evening.

I am scared. She held his hand and whispered.

So am i. We will see this through together.

As soon as they entered an old looking house after walking for ten minutes, Gayatri did not like the vibes. Syed led her through the door into a set of rooms and opened the door for her.

She walked in and a bright light flashed hard at her eyes. She felt a strong urge to run out of there but something hit her hard on her neck. She tried to stay on her feet for a few seconds before the rod stuck again this time more vigorously knocking her out. She was picked up by someone and tied to a chair. A few hours later when she regained conscious, she felt week. She wanted to call out for help, call for Syed but her voice was too frail. Her body felt limp as she realized she was tied with ropes. Someone threw water at her face and she began to see a little clearly. Standing right in front of her was Syed with an assault rifle on his shoulders. He was smiling like he had caught the biggest prize of his life.

Why Syed? Why me? That was all she could muster with that pain in her head. She wanted to cry but tears did not escape her eyes. The devilish smile on Syed’s face made her lose her breath and cause a blackout in front of her eyes. She lay there unconscious at the mercy of a man she thought was a spy for the country. What he actually was she would never know.