The room was dark; a small bulb was throwing light at the mirror. My heart was feeling more forlorn than the darkness in the room.
I clutched the Swiss knife tight in my right hand while my left played with my wavy hair. I could see my silhouette in the mirror, depression clearly visible on the face, hopelessness all over the eyes and a broken soul underneath.
My once upon a time bouncy hair had lost all its luster. It felt like a sack of rotten stuff when my fingers went through it.
Papers were lying everywhere. Everything that I had ever written or read, it was all on the bed and the floor. Everything that I once stood for, that I once believed in, it all lay in front of my eyes battered without any takers.
I felt like a soldier who had lost his war without suffering a single injury but having lost his spirit to fight.
The Swiss knife had been my companion since the last three days while my mind couldn't come to a decision of whether to end my life right here where it all began or to give it one last shot.
‘Do you still have it in you?’ A screeching voice came out of somewhere.
‘I don't know.’ I replied, not knowing who it was that I was talking to. It felt like someone was standing inside the mirror and looking at me with all their attention. I was being scrutinized and not for the last time all I managed was making excuses.
‘That doesn't answer the question.’ The voice got scarier.
‘I have no idea, who I am talking to.’
‘Are you serious? You don't recognize your worst nightmare.’ The voice appeared to come nearer with each passing moment making my heart pound.
‘I don't understand. I hardly get dreams leave alone nightmares. I was nervous and afraid. ‘
‘You have been ignoring me for a long time, not anymore.’ The voice was sending my brain into realms of darkness I had never dared into.
‘You mean I have been making my mind believe in illusions that everything is all right in my life?’
‘Looks like you are getting a feel of where I am headed to.’
‘But how do you know anything about me. What is this?’ I was in a state of shock, my mind was numb and the thought process devoid of clarity. I felt like I am on a drug induced high.
‘This mister writer is the reality you have been running from all your life. The reality that exists but is seldom experienced. The reality that is the true driving force of life and shows the only direction that one is meant to go in.’ The voice got heavy and intense.
‘Then where were you all these years while I toiled to find the path of my life?’ I wanted to cry as I began to feel miserable.
‘I was right here looking at you, observing you from close quarters, looking at you make one worse decision after another. Looking at you not daring to work towards making any decisions correct even when you knew it's all going downhill.’
‘So why are you here today after all these times of observing?’
‘To help you, now that you are on the verge of going towards doom much quicker than what I expected.’
A shiver went down my spine.
‘All my life I had believed I had the perfect formula not knowing that I never had the guts to call a spade a spade.’ I said.
‘By the end of the day, I am sure you will be on the correct path for life as well as for many other things.’
‘But who decides the correct path. Is it you or is it done by God?’
‘It's your destiny.’
‘But destiny can always be molded. Isn't it meant to be like that?’
‘Yes, but you have to be brave enough to do that. You don't have to leave everything in the hands of God when things are not going according to you.’
‘Is that what I have been doing according to you?’ I asked with a lump in my throat.
‘Yes, Precisely. You have been afraid. That's all.’
‘Weren't the circumstances such that I was forced to be afraid?’
‘Just like destiny, the moments can be changed as per your wishes. You just have to keep your senses open and not let your spirit being bogged down by the enormity of the things around you.’
‘It's easier said than done.’ I replied being fully convinced of being a failure in this life or the next.
‘I understand, but if you don't try or put your heart in things they never work out, just like it never worked for you.’
‘But I tried. Didn’t I? You were watching right.’
‘Yes, you did. But you lost your heart and will quickly every time. You were never patient enough to wait.’
‘Everyone wants quick success. Don't they?’
‘Success is just an illusion. It's your happiness that counts.’
‘Money and fame would have made me happier than what I am today.’
‘Would it have given you the satisfaction that you wrote something that affected people for real?’
‘I am not sure.’
‘Look for satisfaction and not for success. Success is not fame it's a state of mind.’
‘The state of my mind can be clearly seen as of now. Isn't it?’
‘You are suicidal, I can see.’ The voice was changing its tone to soft whenever I was trying to be dominant in the conversation or totally hopeless.
‘I feel worse. I feel I am already dead. The only thing left is the tradition of my last rights.’
‘So soon? Don't you think there still some life left in this young but battered body?’ The voice replied empathetically trying to find the last ray of hope in the setting sun of my life.
‘The body might look young but my soul is old, very old. In fact, I feel I have lost all my charm, all my soul.’
‘Why don't you start afresh?’
‘For what?’
‘For regaining your youth, the freshness and the soul. For unlearning everything you know and beginning from scratch. For regaining all those things that you lost in this life. To feel charming again and for making people listen to a new-found you.’
‘Isn't it too much hard-work after what all I have put into this life and failed all the time?’
‘You are not tired, you are afraid of failing again. I can see it in your eyes.’
‘You can see through everything. Why don't you give me the winning formula and I will try that.’
‘What if the formula involves you working harder than you have done previously at any point in your life?’
‘I will try whatever you tell me.’
‘Wake up from the sleep and realize that everything you heard or spoke right now was a dream. After that start doing what you have been from the last some time without any expectations. The Zen of a monk will find you and that my dear is the key to finding happiness.’ The voice faded away with these words and I was jolted out of sleep by a sudden crash of the window pane of my room. The storm outside had started to take its toll on the surroundings and I could feel the storm inside me letting go of the emotions it had wrapped around itself. I was free in my mind and my soul felt a little lighter.
