Depression-Yet again

2^nd Feb Evening

His left hand was holding my collar tight; the right was curled into a fist ready to punch at the slightest provocation. I had been cornered against the wall by his powerful frame. His eyes were more bloodshot than what I had seen even in a movie. His voice was filled with rage but I could feel the broken soul through his eyes.

‘This is my flat Ravish, get out of here.’ He shouted at my face as I felt his wrist smash into my upper jaw.

Never had I been in a situation where I wasn't supposed to retaliate and instead soak in all the anger being thrown at me.

‘We are room partners Rohan, just calm yourself down.’ I tried to reason with him in the simplest way possible.

‘Do you want me to bring the knife and slash your throat?’

‘No.’ I said with a lump in my throat. Looking at his rage filled eyes and voice I knew he meant it. He was out of his senses and could do anything his dysfunctional brain asked him to.

‘I will leave.’ I said as lightly as I could and moved my body towards the door. I was not expecting his grip to loosen up but surprisingly it did. I cast a glance at him for a second and opened the door to exit the room. His eyes looked at me as if he held a life-long grudge against me. It felt like someone wanted to hurt me real bad to extract revenge and somehow had let me go unscathed. I breathed a sigh of relief but I could feel the uneasiness in my friend. He began walking up and down the length of the apartment muttering something to himself while I tried to decide my further course of action standing outside the door.

Two of his friends, one colleague and his brother who had taken an emergency flight from his hometown were also standing outside the door near the staircase not able to come to terms with the situation. One of his friends had already called up a hospital and they were on their way. None of us was sure if Rohan had to be taken to a doctor or what was to be done so everyone was going by their gut and suggesting different plans of action. It was confusion all around and the stress of having to see a confident young man act so haphazardly all of a sudden. Although I knew in my heart that the whole episode did not happen all of a sudden and the seeds were sown in the past few days.

29^th January

I had been woken up by Rohan at 5 am in the morning.

‘Hey man, get up. I want to ask you something important.’ He had said loud.

I tried to open my eyes but found it really tough to understand why I have to wake up at an odd hour like this.

‘What is it?’ I asked irritated.

‘It's really important. I need your complete attention. Get up for a few minutes.’

‘Ok. Tell me now.’ I got up rubbing my eyes.

‘I think I am in depression. My mental state is not doing well these days.’ He said to my utter disbelief.

‘Why do you say so? What's ailing you?’

‘Everything around me seems sad to me. I don't get to talk to you or the other people here when I am home. I don't feel good watching television or any movies. Anshu rejected my proposal, my parents are calling me home and I don't feel like going.’

‘Hold on. These are too many things. Tell me one by one.’

‘When did you propose to Anshu? This is by far the most important of all the things.’ I asked with a lot of interest.

‘Last week.’

‘And why did she say no.’

‘Because she feels our friendship will get affected.’

‘God damn, these women and their perception of friend zoning. If you are serious about her, don't let her go. Be there for her.’ I tried to be as reasonable as possible considering the situation was a little tough for me to give an advice.

‘I am trying to but I feel hurt inside.’

‘Try to breathe a little. You will surely feel better. I use that technique all the time.’

‘Ok.’ He said trying to breathe a little deep visibly frustrated at my lack of intellect in giving him a feasible solution.

‘And yes I agree we don't get to talk much while we are here. I believe it's due to our timings.’ I tried to prolong the conversation to understand what was going through his mind.

‘Hmm, I know and I feel lonely when you guys are not here.’

‘I can understand buddy. But remember we are always there for you.’

‘What about the parents asking you to come home? What's wrong in going home? It will be a mental change of sorts for you.’ I tried to bring sense in his confused mind.

‘I don't feel like going there. They are going to pester me for getting married or about finding a better job.’

‘They are your parents. You need to understand they are going to be like this. It's you who has to listen to them.’

‘I don't want to compromise all my life and listen to all the shit around.’

‘That's what life's all about.’ I replied.

‘I know.  But it's getting tough to hold on to this definition of life for me.’

‘You are a tough bloke. You should not lose hope so soon and so suddenly. I trust you completely.’ I said with a confident tone trying to instill some positivity in him.

‘I am contemplating doing some adventurous things now.’ He said with a smile. The smile was a forced one, I could sense.

‘It will be allright dude. Don't take so much stress in life that too so early in the morning.’ I said trying to soothe his nerves.

‘Thanks, brother. You are being a savior in these tiring times.’

‘The tiring times bring out the best or the worst in you.  It's you who has to decide the course of action which in turn will get you to your destination.’

‘Should I sleep back now?’ I asked with a smile.

‘Oh yes. Please. I will meanwhile freshen up. Have to go office early.’

I didn't know but Rohan had already taken a shower three times that night. This was the fourth time and he was singing songs while in the shower. I listened for a few seconds before going back to sleep.

1st Feb evening-

‘Hey Ravish. How are you?’ I was greeted by a smiling Rohan as soon as I entered the flat that evening after getting back from work.

It had been two days since I had that early morning discussion and Rohan seemed a lot better as compared to that morning. In the last two days, we had spoken at a length about politics, sports and other things. Not even once did I feel pangs of depression in him or maybe he had been hiding it too well.

‘Hey man. I am doing fine. How about you? Back so soon from work?’ I replied with a big smile.

‘Oh yes. I had to get high.’

‘Really? You don't look high. You look pretty relaxed.’

‘It's the high which makes me relaxed. Don’t you know?’

‘Oh yes, that could be. Whom did you get high with?’ I asked trying to sustain the conversation.

‘A colleague had come over. He was feeling the pangs as well.’

‘That's great man. Finally there is some fun and grass around in the air. ‘

‘Oh yes, plus I am going home in the morning. My parents have booked my flight.’

‘Nice, that’s a good decision. If you want my help in packing let me know.’

‘Sure.’ He said and went to his room and I got busy with having my dinner.

Later that night, Rohan took yet another shower and went out to party with some of his colleagues. I was beginning to get worried for he had a flight to catch the next morning Then again, he happened to be an independent well thought out human being who always knew what he was getting into. He came back late in the night and did create a temporary ruckus around which I imagined was him packing his stuff for the flight.

2^nd Feb, 6 am

The blanket I had covered my body with was forcibly taken off in a singular moment of brute force and madness.

'Holy shit.' I said as I woke up with a start and saw Rohan standing with a smile on his face. 

'I am leaving for home Ravish, won’t you drop me to the airport.'

'Oh, sorry. Why didn’t you wake me up earlier? What time is your flight?'

'It’s in two hours.' He said.

'Ok, let me get ready. Book the cab till then and we will drop you.' I went in the other room to wake my roommate and asked him to accompany me to the airport. Going to the airport so early in the morning and coming back alone seemed like a boring preposition. 

Both of us got ready and hopped in the cab along with Rohan. The early morning breeze was hitting our sleepy eyes and calming our numb brains. The ride to the airport felt too smooth with hardly any traffic present but it was interrupted when out of nowhere Rohan had an urge to have some tea and a smoke.

'Guys, can we take a small break here? We are not expecting any traffic so let me have a smoke before I reach the airport.' He asked us very affectionately.

Reluctantly we got down from the cab when we found the nearest tea stall. The airport was still twenty minutes away and we were confident that the tea break won’t have any effect. Little did we know that the tea break would bring one of the biggest surprises of the day?

We had almost finished the tea and I went to pay the stall owner while Ajay, the other roommate was talking to the cab driver. Rohan, who had been standing nearby smoking, was nowhere to be seen. We tried to locate him around the cab but did not find him. 

Suddenly the cab driver shouted pointing in the opposite direction of the road, ‘he is running sir, look that side’

Both I and Ajay started running but Rohan already had got a head start and he disappeared within the next fifteen seconds. The congested lanes and by lanes were going to be impossible to search a man who according to me was going without any direction. We were left with no choice but to call Rohan’s as well as our friends to find his whereabouts plus to get in touch with his family members. If his behavior for the last some days was erratic and warranted attention the whole episode of running away scared us to bits.

'Let’s go home.' I called out to Ajay as we hailed a cab and went back to our flat. Our phones never stopped ringing.

'It’s going to be a fucked up day.'Ajay said looking out of the window.

'Be assured of that.' I said. The back waters of the sea looked far more serene than the episode ringing in our brains.

We reached near our home and before even thinking of going back inside we went and had piping hot tea from our favourite vendor and a few smokes to calm our nerves. The phones were not answered during this time for the brain was so entangled in the thoughts that we could not think straight.

2^nd Feb Evening Continued.

As we all were standing outside fearing Rohan might harm himself being alone inside the flat his best friend Ashu made up his mind and went to ring the door-bell. With the calmest possible voice he convinced Rohan to let him inside but the joy was short lived. Two minutes had passed since Ashu had entered and all of us were still wondering if things were under control, we heard a commotion from inside.

‘Get the fuck away from me.’ Rohan shouted at the pitch of his voice and came rushing out of the main door.

All of us were standing in his way but he was not willing to relent as he pushed his way through all of us and ran down the stairs. A friend was kicked and another was punched hard while all of us were hit by a shock wave. This was the second time in the day that I saw this man running away like a maniac and I did not know how to react. His friends and his brother ran after him in the hope that someone outside the society might be able to catch him. Not sure how but the lady luck smiled at that moment as the hospital ambulance entered the premises and Rohan’s friends called out to the ambulance staff for catching hold of him.

Many kicks, punches and bites later as he was finally taken to a hospital and administered medicines of sleep by the doctors were we finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. The next day, being his roomies we were called by the doctor for investigation and we were told that a chemical called dopamine had increased beyond permissible limits in his brain leading to this situation.

We visited the hospital for some days but till then his family members had arrived and they began to take good care of his health. The jovial, funny Rohan was put on anti-depressants and some more medicines for the next few weeks as we started to lose touch with him being busy with our own lives. Some of us lost a friend while some of us learnt a lesson about a disease that probably ails millions across the world and became friendlier towards him.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

P.S – Rohan is back to his jovial self even though those few days of that February remain etched in his and our minds forever.

Depression- Short Story

The room was dark; a small bulb was throwing light at the mirror. My heart was feeling more forlorn than the darkness in the room.

I clutched the Swiss knife tight in my right hand while my left played with my wavy hair. I could see my silhouette in the mirror, depression clearly visible on the face, hopelessness all over the eyes and a broken soul underneath.

My once upon a time bouncy hair had lost all its luster. It felt like a sack of rotten stuff when my fingers went through it.

Papers were lying everywhere. Everything that I had ever written or read, it was all on the bed and the floor. Everything that I once stood for, that I once believed in, it all lay in front of my eyes battered without any takers.

I felt like a soldier who had lost his war without suffering a single injury but having lost his spirit to fight.

The Swiss knife had been my companion since the last three days while my mind couldn't come to a decision of whether to end my life right here where it all began or to give it one last shot.

‘Do you still have it in you?’ A screeching voice came out of somewhere.

‘I don't know.’ I replied, not knowing who it was that I was talking to. It felt like someone was standing inside the mirror and looking at me with all their attention. I was being scrutinized and not for the last time all I managed was making excuses.

‘That doesn't answer the question.’ The voice got scarier.

‘I have no idea, who I am talking to.’

‘Are you serious? You don't recognize your worst nightmare.’ The voice appeared to come nearer with each passing moment making my heart pound.

‘I don't understand. I hardly get dreams leave alone nightmares. I was nervous and afraid. ‘

‘You have been ignoring me for a long time, not anymore.’ The voice was sending my brain into realms of darkness I had never dared into.

‘You mean I have been making my mind believe in illusions that everything is all right in my life?’

‘Looks like you are getting a feel of where I am headed to.’

‘But how do you know anything about me. What is this?’ I was in a state of shock, my mind was numb and the thought process devoid of clarity. I felt like I am on a drug induced high.

‘This mister writer is the reality you have been running from all your life. The reality that exists but is seldom experienced. The reality that is the true driving force of life and shows the only direction that one is meant to go in.’ The voice got heavy and intense.

‘Then where were you all these years while I toiled to find the path of my life?’ I wanted to cry as I began to feel miserable.

‘I was right here looking at you, observing you from close quarters, looking at you make one worse decision after another. Looking at you not daring to work towards making any decisions correct even when you knew it's all going downhill.’

‘So why are you here today after all these times of observing?’

‘To help you, now that you are on the verge of going towards doom much quicker than what I expected.’

A shiver went down my spine.

‘All my life I had believed I had the perfect formula not knowing that I never had the guts to call a spade a spade.’ I said.

‘By the end of the day, I am sure you will be on the correct path for life as well as for many other things.’

‘But who decides the correct path. Is it you or is it done by God?’

‘It's your destiny.’

‘But destiny can always be molded. Isn't it meant to be like that?’

‘Yes, but you have to be brave enough to do that. You don't have to leave everything in the hands of God when things are not going according to you.’

‘Is that what I have been doing according to you?’ I asked with a lump in my throat.

‘Yes, Precisely. You have been afraid. That's all.’

‘Weren't the circumstances such that I was forced to be afraid?’

‘Just like destiny, the moments can be changed as per your wishes. You just have to keep your senses open and not let your spirit being bogged down by the enormity of the things around you.’

‘It's easier said than done.’ I replied being fully convinced of being a failure in this life or the next.

‘I understand, but if you don't try or put your heart in things they never work out, just like it never worked for you.’

‘But I tried. Didn’t I? You were watching right.’

‘Yes, you did. But you lost your heart and will quickly every time. You were never patient enough to wait.’

‘Everyone wants quick success. Don't they?’

‘Success is just an illusion. It's your happiness that counts.’

‘Money and fame would have made me happier than what I am today.’

‘Would it have given you the satisfaction that you wrote something that affected people for real?’

‘I am not sure.’

‘Look for satisfaction and not for success. Success is not fame it's a state of mind.’

‘The state of my mind can be clearly seen as of now. Isn't it?’

‘You are suicidal, I can see.’ The voice was changing its tone to soft whenever I was trying to be dominant in the conversation or totally hopeless.

‘I feel worse. I feel I am already dead. The only thing left is the tradition of my last rights.’

‘So soon? Don't you think there still some life left in this young but battered body?’ The voice replied empathetically trying to find the last ray of hope in the setting sun of my life.

‘The body might look young but my soul is old, very old. In fact, I feel I have lost all my charm, all my soul.’

‘Why don't you start afresh?’

‘For what?’

‘For regaining your youth, the freshness and the soul. For unlearning everything you know and beginning from scratch. For regaining all those things that you lost in this life. To feel charming again and for making people listen to a new-found you.’

‘Isn't it too much hard-work after what all I have put into this life and failed all the time?’

‘You are not tired, you are afraid of failing again. I can see it in your eyes.’

‘You can see through everything. Why don't you give me the winning formula and I will try that.’

‘What if the formula involves you working harder than you have done previously at any point in your life?’

‘I will try whatever you tell me.’

‘Wake up from the sleep and realize that everything you heard or spoke right now was a dream. After that start doing what you have been from the last some time without any expectations. The Zen of a monk will find you and that my dear is the key to finding happiness.’ The voice faded away with these words and I was jolted out of sleep by a sudden crash of the window pane of my room. The storm outside had started to take its toll on the surroundings and I could feel the storm inside me letting go of the emotions it had wrapped around itself. I was free in my mind and my soul felt a little lighter.

Finding Love: After a few swipes

‘What on earth has happened to you?’  Sherry asked vociferously looking straight into my eyes.

‘Nothing as such, why do you seem surprised?’ I replied with a calm voice and a composed mind.

‘You have changed a lot Rhea. All your jovial self, your happy face, your enthusiastic voice, where has all that disappeared?’

‘I don’t know. I hardly think about myself nowadays. I am more than keen on making my work take up all the time of my day.’

‘What about the nights? Don’t you think you should find someone to love? I know Danny gave you a lesson for life but that does not mean you won’t find love again.’

‘I have been using dating apps for quite some time now. You can check my phone if you want to. ‘

‘I know that darling. But what are you doing about it?’

‘About what?’ I replied confused.

‘About your desires.’ Sherry replied with a smile.

‘I don’t have any. I feel like a monk. I hardly find time to think about anything apart from work, food and sleeping.’

‘I think you are still thinking that using these dating apps is a taboo considering the society we live in.’

‘No, I don’t believe in that. I am ready to meet someone who I can connect with. I am even willing to get married to someone from these apps. It’s just that someone special hasn’t come along.’

‘What about the guys at work?’

‘There is hardly any. Plus I would like to keep my professional and personal lives separate.’ Sherry was beginning to sound intrusive and I was getting a little irritated at the barrage of questions.

Okay, if you say so.

‘So what’s happening in your love life?’ I asked with curiosity.

‘Same old story with me, I like people who never end up liking me and vice versa.’

‘Ouch, that’s not good for health. I have been through such a period myself.’  I replied empathetically

Yes, I know. It hurts.

You should use these dating apps and maybe find someone who has same interests as you. It might help in forging a connection.

I don’t think I am made up for filtering through so many options. I would better stick to the old school thing. Let’s see if I get lucky. I still have age at my side, I guess.

Oh wow. So you are trying to make me feel old? I replied.

Shut up sweetheart, I meant nothing of that sort.

‘No, no. Say it on my face. I want to know how you feel of me.’ I tried to pull her leg by faking anger even though I knew she could see through me.

‘Fuck off you fool. I love you and you know it.’ She said with a puppy face and those glittery eyes that always attracted me towards her.

I know baby. Let’s go out and have a smoke. I am craving.

She went towards the door and held it open. ‘After you, my highness.’  She said playfully.

Sherry and me had been living in adjacent rooms at the hostel for more than a year now. We had forged a bond of sister love and made many good memories together. Most of my girl night outs happened with her and I had her by my side whenever I used to get drunk. She had been my go to girl all through this one year of hell and back. Over this year of trying to remove Danny from my thoughts and my heart, I had tried the so called dating apps. I had met a few men but none came close to touching any chords in my heart. Maybe I always compared them to Danny for he seemed to be the perfect man till destiny had other thoughts for us.

‘You should ask your parents to find a suitable man for you and get married.’ Sherry said teasingly, while we were standing outside puffing on our respective cancer sticks.

‘I don’t think so. I would rather find my man myself instead of testing the waters of the arranged marriage scenario.’

‘Going by this rate, you will remain single all your life. Plus you won’t be getting any sex as well. I can’t even imagine such a situation for anyone.’

‘It’s okay. One shouldn’t care too much about being asexual. And why are you all of a sudden interested in my sex life. Yours is also non-existent.’ I replied cheekily.

‘I have age on my side honey. Your case is a little different.’ She didn’t want to let go off this banter.

‘Oh God, the age jibes again. I am going to burn you now. And instead of me it is you who needs to make love.’ I said with a grin. 

My phone in my hand vibrated a few times signalling some texts. I refrained from checking it till we finished our humorous banter and cigarettes. On our way back to the hostel, I unlocked the phone to check.

Do you want to meet up for coffee tomorrow? A text with a smiling emoticon flashed through the notifications on my phone bringing an instant smile on my face.

Sherry standing right next to me read the contact name on the phone and exclaimed, ‘Guy Next Door, Looks like there is a chance of bringing some color in this monotonous life.’

The blush and the smile forgot to leave me for the next few minutes making me wonder if love had found its way back to my heart through just one sweet text.

Will the monk finally get to kiss? I thought to myself and went to my room. I had to be ready for a date tomorrow.